Clean Slate

I have a real need to get my act together! And right now, I'm specifically talking about school. My head, my room with school stuff, the school stuff itself, they all need decluttering! It is very important for me to do so aswell, since I won't be able to finish this education either if I don't put in the work.
I am trying to become organized, which is a quality I really do NOT possess by nature. I hope Christmas Break will help my to get all the stuff I need to figure out figured out! Right now I'm just muddling through untill next friday. Next friday marks the start of two weeks off from school -> Christmas Break! I think I'll then need two days or so to "sleep off" some school stress, and after that I'll be starting to get my act together. I really don't want this to fail again!

Also, I need to get my act together mentally, but right now, school is more important to me, even if it is maybe the wrong order. Maybe i need to work on my happiness first in order for me to have an organized life. But I really can't afford to put my education on hold, so it'll all have to be settled at the same time.
Next week I have an appointment with the school psychologist, to talk about both my studies - my inability to concentrate and to plan ahead, and really do something actually - and my feelings - which I have pretty much explained in my last post, I guess.
I'm hoping to make some progress then!

My Life

So, my life mostly just makes me feel depressed. I'm 23, I'm still in school - I've actually just started a new education, so I have still three more years of studying ahead of me, as where other people my age have finished their educations by now for at least a year. I've already tried two different studies before this one, and if I do ginish this one, I'll still have a large amount of student loan debt to pay back. I really don't like to think about that, I just hope to find a job soon and pay back as much as possible, to be out of debt as soon as possible. But that's still 3 years ahead of me and I'm the kind of person to drive myself crazy thinking abou that money, to the extent where it will affect my studying, so anough talk about the money for now!
Furthermore, I literally have no friends, no love life, no social life whatsoever. And I don't even want the sort of social life most people have, I'd prefer to have just one, maybe two close friends or something, but I don't even have that. That wouldn't be too bad though, if I was romantically involved with someone, but again, that's also a non-existant factor in my life. I'm at an age now where I would really like to be in a relationship and to settle down, but how find a man when you don't even go out, and I don't mean clubbing - you don't meet the sort of guys I would like to meet while clubbing - but I mostly stay indoors anyway, so not really the best way to meet anyone, let alone a nice guy.
SO, I know all of that depressing stuff is selfinflicted. You know, all that talk about wanting to be in a relationship, I would probably be too scared to take the plunge even if it would ever happen to me, cause I have pretty low selfesteem - as you may have noticed by know :-) - so therefore I always think I'm not good enough. Who would want ME, you know?

As for the education part, that's all me as well. I just like to mess up my life for some reason or another, to the point where it gets me thinking in ways of 'what's the use', you know? Not that I would EVER act on it, but it's just a fact that I am not needed in this world. If I didn't exist, life would go on, the world would still be turning. There's nothing I contribute to this world, so therefore I won't be missed. My mere existance is just so useless in my eyes.
And sure, I know my family would miss me, but they're supposed to miss me, they're my family, you know? And they are also THE reason I would never ever take my own life or something like that, cause I love them and I don't want to hurt them, and I wouldn't want to never see them anymore. Well, typing these last sentences has brought me to tear up. And it's really not that I don't want to live or something. I know I'm blessed, life is a beautiful thing, I would just really like to live a life that has some meaning. I hope I'm heading in the right direction with my new career choice. Right now, I'm again studying to become an elementary school teacher - I have studied that before, but in a different town, therefore at a different school and also 4 to 5 years ago. I didn't finish that education obviously or else I wouldn't be doing it again, but I am enrolled in a special form of the education. I'm supposed to finish in three years instead of the normal four, because I attended a gymnasium (a kind of dutch grammar school I guess). Well, I hope I'm up for the task, it would at least save me some more money. Oops, talked about money again.

I would just really like to make a difference in the life of children, if I'm not able to make a difference in my own life. But I hope that through fulfilling my goal to become THE best elementary school teacher there is, or at least a really good one, I will grow to like myself somewhat better.

I really don't like to talk about my feelings of depression. Mostly depression is also my friend you know. The only friend I have, go figure. It's really easy to lose myself in negative thoughts and to wallow in self-pity. But I guess if I want to make a change, I have to let that go. Don't "they" say something like, noone will ever love you if you don't love yourself? I don't know if that's the right expression, but at least it's true in my case. I won't ever let anyone get too close, so the one thing I crave most is also the one thing I am keeping from happening.

Well, I'm not bothering with spelling errors now, I don't feel like it, I'll read this post again and see if there are any annoying errors another time. Right now, I'm shutting up about depression, cause another reason I don't like to talk about it is that it gets me thinking about it, and then I get even more depressed. And I'm actually a really cheerful person, but just not a happy person at heart.

When you've got nothing to tell...

It's so easy to just forget about your blog and abandon it for months. At first you feel guilty - which is silly off course, since blogging is an obligation YOU have put upon yourself. But than weeks just go by so fast and somewhere in the back of your head, you still remember your blog and feel like you ought to write something this month. So... here it is, my obligatory monthly post!
I have had a lot of things on my mind lately, the biggest issue explained in the post below this one. But mostly I just had nothing to really TELL about. My life is stuck in a rut. There are some changes still to come, which have to do with the other stuff I have on my mind, besides financial issues. And unfortunately with those changes the money department will be taking another hit. I suppose I could tell something about that, but because my life is moving so slow at this moment, so is my head, and therefore I really have no way of telling about those things. I would just be writing them down.

However, I do want to make an effort to start blogging some more and I hope, again, when everything moneywise and otherwise settles down a bit, my mind will allow me to do just so.


One more thing that I would like to share before I go though, is this cute Cicely Mary Barker drawing. I think I have seen her drawings before, but not consiously. Just this last Tuesday I was visiting the library and I came across a little book containing her flower fairies artwork. Now, I absolutely adore Cicely Mary Barker, and I think my future blog posts will contain more of her artwork, if I have anything to say about it ;-)

Money, money, money

Blogging has taken a bit of a backseat lately, because of some financial woes, which take up a lot of my time through worrying about it (too much). Anyway I haven't really found a time to really rest and blog, and I think I'll only get to that again when everything calms down a bit.

I hope that'll be soon!!

Close but no thunder

According to the weather forecast, there would be a thunderstorm yesterday. I wasn't sure at what time it would be hitting which part of our little country. I was just hoping it wouldn't hit in the afternoon, since I had to travel by bus from 12:45 pm till 14:15 pm, and by train from 14:30 pm till 15:30 pm. I don't like a thunderstorm too much while travelling, I'm too afraid something might happen or that busses and trains might even not leave for their destination, and that I would be stranded somewhere. - Maybe I worry too much :-D

Weather was superb however. Very sunny, maybe even a little too "sweat-creating" for my tastes. I like warm weather, but not hot weather, which we mostly get over here when it's sunny.
Off course with this hot weather, thunderstorms are a lot more likely than with just nice warm weather. But I arrived at my destination safely and sweaty :-)

Come yesterday evening it was still nice weather, albeit somewhat less sunny. Which was nice, since we don't have shades in our apartment anymore. So usually when I get home, the sun is shining happily in our living room, making it near impossible to be there, since it gets boiling hot behind our single paned window. Also I like to watch some telly around that time, since there are mostly some nice TV series or cooking programmes on, and I'm dog tired from travelling and attending class and I just wanna sit on the couch and unwind. Unfortunately, if I could ignore the heat, I certainly could not ignore the sunshine, bathing our television screen in white yellow light. I'm still able to HEAR what they're saying however LOL.

But yesterday it was actually possible to see something as well, so I watched some TV series round dinner time, and a nice movie(Mystic Pizza) in the evening.
Did feel a little lonely however, since my roomie wasn't home and I mostly just miss my parents when I'm gone during the week. I'm such a momma's girl, I know...

Stayed up WAY too late again. Need to work on that.
As I was getting getting ready for bed though, I saw some lighting. I got excited, the thunderstorm was finally happening! Cause contrary to my feelings about a thunderstorm during the day, I love a thunderstorm at night! I like to listen to the sound of the rain and thunder while lying in bed. I find it to be relaxing and soothing.
So I actually went to bed a little earlier than usual, waiting for the thunderstorm to happen. BUT nothing happened... Bummer.
It did rain though, albeit a little later, when I was aready asleep. Hmm, close but no cigar, or I should say thunder in this case?

As for today, the weather is looking less promising of sunshine than yesterday.
I have no class on Tuesdays, and so my Tuesdays are mostly spent wandering around the apartment, "working" on the computer and watching telly again. VERY productive.
I might be going to the shopping centre later today, to visit the local charity shop and some other shops. Merely to look, not to buy, hehe.
But first I'm off for a bite to eat and a rerun of Murder, she wrote.

G'day!

The blackbird's nest

There's the sweetest couple of blackbirds nesting in our garden. They have been working on building a nest in our ivy for quite some time now. I believe they have made another nest just before this one, because I found a nest lying on the ground next to the ivy a few weeks ago and I think it were the same blackbirds working on that nest as it are the ones nesting in their new home right now. I don't know what happened to their first nest, as there were no eggs or young yet. Maybe it just wasn't stable enough? They're building against a wooden fence, so that might prove to be difficult.

Anyway we discovered the prettiest little blue-green eggs 2 days ago. The blackbird parents had temporarily left the nest. And somewhere between yesterday and the day before that the eggs hatched. The parents have been flying off and on since then, to feed their cute offspring. I believe there are five of them. The picture above I took this afternoon when the parents had temporarily left the nest again. I've been wanting to take a picture since yesterday, but I was afraid I might scare the parents into abandoning their young. But today I couldn't control myself anymore. I looked around real hard to see if the parents were watching and guarding their nest, and when I made sure they weren't I took one picture real quick. I think it turned out really well for a quick snapshot, but it doesn't take an incredible photographer to make baby blackbirds look cute, now does it?

I really hope this young family makes it! I read on the internet that 9 out of 10 blackbird's nests end in failure.
I think the same blackbirds had a go last year in an acacia tree in our garden and that nest ended up being raided by a magpie. And to make matters worse - my mother had to get up early for work this morning and left a note saying she saw the blackbird parents scaring away a magpie from our garden, so she was afraid the young might be gone later today. Fortunately, the magpie has given up, as the young were still there for the rest of the day, but I really hope that magpie or another one won't come back! I think magpies will be be the only reason the young might not survive since there aren't any cats in our neighbourhood.

I have to leave my parents' house tomorrow to go to my student apartment in another city and won't be coming back 'till friday and I really hope I will see the baby blackbirds again that day! But I guess I will learn about their progress throughout the course of the week, since my mother and I will probably e-mail and phone eachother, so if anything terrible happens to them during this week, I'm bound to find out before friday!
To end this post I'm leaving you with a poem by William Henley, which I found while looking for information on blackbird's nests on the internet.
It's a simple poem, but it really rings true, as for me too blackbirds are a symbol of spring, new life and finding joy and happiness in the little things.

'The nightingale has a lyre of gold,
The lark's is a clarion call,
And the blackbird plays but a boxwood flute,
But I love him best of all.

For his song is all of the joy of life,
And we in the mad, spring weather,
We two have listened till he sang
Our hearts and lips together.'